I like to think that I’m pretty good at preparing for things. If I have an exam I’ll make sure I cram for it at least 2 days before. If I’m going out I’ll make sure I start getting ready a good hour before I leave. So of course when some kind of Instagram Model black magic took control of my brain and saw me sign up for ’28’ by Sam Wood, set to start in a week… I was going to prepare. How else does one prepare for a diet but to binge eat before it starts?

KFC honestly tastes so much better when you don’t have fat girl guilt, I’m telling you. As I pulled up to the drive through window and the girl gave me a knowing look (GIRRRLLL, If I WANNA EAT KFC FOR THE 5TH TIME THIS WEEK, IMMA EAT IT! NOW GET ME MY 24 PACK NUGGETS!), I didn’t even feel fast-food repeat offender shame. I was eating bad food for the last time world, I was getting my life in order and finally starting that diet on Monday!

As I sat in my car biting into my ninth nugget, all I could think was why? Why, oh why, did I sign up for that ‘lifestyle’ program? Why can’t I just sit here perpetually eating nuggies and drinking Krushers forever?

Monday rolled around, and guess what people? That’s a public holiday! Everyone knows you can’t start a diet on a public holiday! I was saved! I could binge one last time! If I’m going to succeed at this diet, the rule is, I have to put myself in a food coma the night before. I’ve heard the phrase ‘Funeral for My Fat,’ but this was ‘Funeral for My Dignity!’

It’s now Thursday and I’m still not skinny. This diet is obviously not working! Maybe I should just give my body a rest and let the DIET START MONDAY!

Dara

XOx