I remember the first time I told someone I was planning on going back to work after a month of having my child; their reaction was shock horror. I was a horrible human being; I mean, how dare I be so arrogant to think that I would be able to do it. I would then quickly follow it up with “oh, my grandmother is actually going to be looking after him.” Call me delusional, but I actually expected this to put them at ease (thinking back now, I don’t even remember why I cared about how my decisions made them feel), but instead I was met with a disapproving frown, a look that said I was going to mummy hell.
I mean how dare I even think that it’s okay for someone who isn’t me to look after my child. My grandma has raised 5 children and about 20 grandchildren already, but that is obviously irrelevant; once, you have a child that’s it, it’s yours alone. Since you are the one who gave birth to them you are the only one who can be trusted to give them proper care.
I remember reading all these comments on social media targeted at Rachel Finch because of her decision to have her daughter spend the weekends with her grandparents. “How could she?”, people asked. She was clearly a dead-beat mum for wanting to spend some time with her husband after a week of barely seeing each other, or allowing her daughter to strengthen her relationship with her grandparents. I was so confused, this is clearly another scenario in which my backwards Nigerian senses have gotten the better of me!
You see when a Nigerian woman has a baby, it’s not just *her* baby; frequently my mum, my grandma, my aunties and uncles all refer to my son as ‘their’ son. I can already feel the rage building behind your eyes- what do they mean, ‘their’ son? I was the one who was pregnant for 9 months, got fat (let’s be honest though, I was fat before I got pregnant); and had to eat well-done steaks for 37 weeks, not them. As true as all those things may be, what they are saying is that they love my son, they are invested and interested in him and his well-being; there is no sacrifice that I would make that they would also not make where possible. How can that not overwhelm someone with joy? My son, 7 weeks now, and having known his Great Grandma (or Super Grandma) for about 4 weeks of that time already recognises her face, smiles at her and feels comfortable enough for me to leave him with her for 8 hours at a time.
I find it crazy that we as other women would refuse help. Yes, I am a Mother. I am also a Woman, a Wife, a Daughter, a Career Woman. I am multifaceted and it is those facets that allow me to be passionate about different things. If I do not have the chance to be those other things, how can I be a great mother?
You might sit there and say I decided to become a mother, no one forced me; and you would be right! Why is it so unacceptable for me to say I can’t do it all? Why is it bad for me to say, that I’m going to work so that the life my son has will be one that was as great, if not greater than the one I have; but also, because I love what I do, and I care about my career?
I feel like many of the women who threw hate on Rachel Finch regarding her parenting choices were jealous; maybe they don’t have that option, maybe because she had the courage to put herself and her marriage first, maybe because she gets the best of both worlds. I don’t think her daughter feels any less loved because she spends her weekends with her grandparents- I’d probably take the gamble and say this girl probably consumes too much junk food and hears the word love in every sentence.
I am woman, hear me roar. NOT I am mother hear me roar. Do you! Use that village, and don’t think that somehow you’ve lost some points that some imaginary Super-mum is keeping. And you know what, even if you have, I say middle finger emoji to her!
Dara
XOx
THE ANTI-MUM 