My name’s Dara and I am a junkie. A reality TV junkie. Sometimes when no one is there, (who am I kidding, I behave this way in front of other humans) I will watch hours and hours and hours of reality TV and I will laugh, and cry and yell and spit at the TV, at the people on the shows. Inevitably the show will finish and I will have to face up to what has just happened and work out how to wash the shame off my body.

Reality is so boring, I mean, my reality is; I get up (whilst my baby cries), have a shower (whilst my baby cries), get dressed for work (whilst my baby cries), change my son’s nappy (whilst he cries), drive him to my grandma, go to work, die whilst at work, go back home so my son can use me as his feeding vault, cook a shitty dinner and go to sleep.

“Reality” TV though, is so so so much better. You get to watch 1000883738 beautiful and apparently intelligent (seriously though, intelligent should be in quotation marks- I call bull on that one- anyone else notice how they’re all executive something) women fight for the ‘love’ of just one guy ( who obviously a great guy if he is willing to go on this show). Reality TV means I get to watch grown-ass, rich women pull each other’s hair and cry about not being invited to a party being hosted by a woman they can’t stand.

I tell myself everytime I sit down to start watching these shows; they can’t hear you, this is not real, try not to cry and don’t forget to feed your son. Look, don’t judge me. Yes, when Sam Frost chose Sasha over Richie on ‘The Bachelorette” I cried as though my bestfriend had just betrayed me deeply. Ok, yes, I’ll even admit that when Richie went on to betray me (after been seriously like the WORST Bachelor in ‘The Bachelor’ history) by choosing Alex, my husband had to talk me off the ledge. Do I really have a problem though? Some of you are spitting out your food right now so you can say, “YES. YOUR PROBLEM RUNS DEEP GIRL, YOU NEED HELP.” If I stop though what will I complain about to people at my work, or my friends who have no idea what I’m talking about and quickly try to change the subject.

I was basically born as a 30 year old (and some of y’all bout to get all uppetty about how you’re still cool, and wear chokers and dye the tips of your hair, home job blonde), I’ve made choices because what I wanted most for my life was the stability that came with being an ‘adult’; I got married, bought a house and had a baby all by the age of 24. I don’t go clubbing, my friends aren’t getting into group chat fights, people aren’t bitching about other people and plotting how they’re going to bring them down. There’s no drama. Look, I hate drama. I don’t want you to cry on my shoulder unless you’re crying about the fact that Cameron just got eliminated from ‘The Bachelorette,” (may he rest in peace). If the group chat is fire at 3am ( LOL, I’m in bed by 10:30 people) it better be because we’re all talking about how crappy the contestants of “Survivor Australia” are.

I don’t actually think there’s any help for me- unless you try and make me watch “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” in which case, no thanks I don’t want any.

Dara

XOx

Also cause you earned it, here’s a video of me clearly living without dignity